Category: Josh Feingold Blog

A friend bought me what looks to be a great book on Vulnerability by Brene Brown, called Daring Greatly.  As I sat enjoying the view from my breakfast table enjoying my coffee and reading her first chapter about Narcissism, I had a great desire to blog, and coalesce my thoughts on the topic.

As I have dated, I hear others refer to ex-spouses as narcissistic, and if I am honest, I probably have used that label from time to time in my dealings with others.  However, as I have given this topic more thought, it really is my belief that Narcissism is not necessarily a bad thing.

In fact, I would argue that we are all Narcissistic.  It’s just another way of saying selfish.  And as a fundraiser, I can assure you that the world is a selfish place.  And thus narcissistic, in nature.

Of importance, is that people don’t “become” narcissistic.  Its just that in our dealings with them, if they are giving us what we want, due to influencing our giving them what they want, we don’t notice their narcissism.  It is only when our needs become incongruent, that their narcissism shines through.

For as we know, as a human setting foot on this earth, we have a right to act however we want.

Of course, actions have consequences that a wise person will take into account, but that doesn’t change our innate right to action.  (For those who assert that God has limited this right, such as murder, I would point out that it is the right to follow God’s word through action remains the foundational right.)

So narcissism is just a reflection of not wanting to give up ones happiness at the expense of anothers, which is what selfishness is really all about at its core.

It could even be argued that those that are not selfish, just prefer the happiness they receive through giving or by not feeling guilty about being selfish more than they value the happiness from not sharing.  (The old conundrum of is there such as thing as an altruistic giver.)

Further, I’m not so sure that narcissism isn’t good, at least from a person’s personal perspective.  I have seen just as much damage done to an individual by being a martyr, than by being a taker.  So really it comes down to balancing ones narcissism (the world is mine) with ones martyrdom (I am here for the world).  But we knew that already. 😉

So, I would argue that in our culture of insufficient resources narcissism is actually the more natural state of man, and it is through training that one finds balance.

OK, that was all academic, so lets make this a little more pragmatic, as it applies to relationships.

In a relationship, we want to seek out those people who through their social environment were taught to give since life will be nicer with them, than with the narcissist.

However, for those of us who were taught to give, there is a natural tendency 1) to assume everyone is like ourselves due to projecting and 2) we are taught not to take from others, in the process of being taught to give, both of which create a natural tendency for us to be in relationships with a narcissist.   In truth, it creates a symbiotic relationship.  Which works for a while, until we 1) get to know the other person better and 2) get tired of giving at which point the relationship strains.

 

 

 

 

Hi blog visitors. I thought you would like to know that I have released the working version of my book, The Secret Guide to Happiness, to the reading public.

You can download it here.

Happy reading!

A few months ago, I wrote about the most profound truth that I have ever experienced.

In recent reading, I came across a concept that fits spot on with my own description of my own personal experience.  This experience, introduced by Maslov in his book, “Religions, Values, and Peak Experiences”  is called the Plateau Experience.

Here is the definition from Wikipedia, that I am going to reuse, even though I think they made a slight technical mistake in it’s definition.

“[Plateau] experience is a kind of transpersonal and ecstatic state, particularly one tinged with themes of euphoria, harmonization and interconnectedness. Participants characterize these experiences, and the revelations imparted therein, as possessing an ineffably mystical and spiritual (or overtly religious) quality or essence.”

I have been having trouble finding many people that write about this concept, perhaps because it is called different names by others, but my gut is that what religions call transcendence or prophesy is none other than the experience Man has when he finds himself, and realizes that he exists, and has his (or her) own Plateau Experience.

If you haven’t had this experience, I can promise you that it is worth the effort to get there, and will make the rest of your life so much more meaningful.  I mention this only to give the reader, the idea of the end game of spirituality in my opinion.  Since in knowing the end point, it is so much easier to find a path to get where you are trying to go, instead of stumbling around trying to find the path to who knows where.

 

 

I met a someone at a yard sale the other day, and after buying a really neat wood carving that belonged to her father, she sent me the following note:

“I was curious about you … so I spent sometime reading a few pages of your blog. Forgive me if my perceptions are wrong, but this is the conclusion I came to. You are a lonely, confused, unhappy man who is desperately searching for the true meaning of life and what we are suppose to accomplish here on earth.”

She then went on with some tips on finding happiness, which are similar to others who have written me in the past.

Based on her conclusion, I thought I would update my about me page, to clarify the blog a bit and explain things a bit better since this not really the general take away I think people should have. Also, this perception might have a negative impact in a business and dating environment, so I feel it is the responsible action.

So here is what I wrote on that page:

“i should mention that most of these posts were written during a time of tremendous personal pain and turmoil, which lead to a deep questioning of all assumptions, extreme creativity, and ultimately, tremendous personal growth. for the reader, this means that you get an insight into struggling man, which i have left in the public domain for others to find solace from, should (a better word may be when) they find themselves in a similar life predicament. or perhaps even myself again someday, should i remember to look back.

for the seeker of truth, i hope that you, like myself, will find that through honest questioning, life will provide few complete answers, but that it will provide some very solid feedback. it is our task, should we accept the adventure of uncertainty, not to submit to easy answers, and carefully discern the truth that lies at the heart of each of the contradictions we see in life, which is that most truths are half-truths.

with this approach, we can discover the balanced truth of reality, which I would currently simply conclude is that ‘I exist as a whole part of a world greater than myself.'”

There are certain aspects of our nature which, while perhaps enable our ultimate survival, restrict our happiness.

One that seems to really impact things is our desire for perfection.  For utopia.  Which is really just a desire for completion.

The misnomer is that nothing in this world is ever really complete.  It is just in a different state of growth, or really evolution (not in the scientific sense).

The issue for us, is that as humans who desire completion, we are never satisfied with what is.  We focus on what remains to be done, and not on what has been accomplished already.  We focus on the infinitesimally small amount that we are missing, or is not in an optimum state, instead of what we already have.  And have in abundance.

I only really realized this tonight, when I said to myself, “if I only had x, I would be happy”.  However, the next thought that came to mind was, “wait a minute Josh, you are happy already”.  It was in reconciling these two disparate thoughts, that I really figured out that our nature really is what moves us away from our natural happy state, and it is this nature that we can safely ignore, and find a shortcut to the happiness that lies underneath.