Category: Josh Feingold Blog

I wanted to take some time to write about consciousness.

Since I know nothing about the makeup of the brain, obviously, the perspectives here are coming from a mix of a guess about how things work, based on my personal experiences playing around with my grey matter.

A few months ago, I learned how to observe my thoughts.  You can do this too, by finding a place with few distractions, and closing your eyes, and thinking about a topic in your mind and observing it.

However, thinking about things a little, I realize that I had not gone all the way.  For in fact, there was something observing this observer.   What I found peculiar was that I could even observe my observer observing my observer, however, in this state I could not simultaneously view this while viewing the original observer.

So I got to thinking. 😉  What exactly is going on inside me?

My current perspective is based on left/right brain theory, that I know pretty much nothing about , other than 1) one side of the brain is focused on feeling and one side analytics and 2) that one can survive with one half of the brain, either left or right.

We’ll this got me thinking, and the model that I am currently running with is that in fact there are two ways we think, and two ways that we observe ourself thinking.

One way of thinking is analytical thinking, and the other way is what I will call picture thinking, or guttural.  Analytical thinking is made up of taking discrete pieces of knowledge, and using logic to come to some conclusion for action or feeling.  The other way to think is picture thinking, where the mind creates a picture to model a thought, and these pictures are then manipulated to help us determine action.  The source of each of these thinking comes from either the left (pictorial) OR right (analytical) brain.  However, both models are then integrated by the self to form a conclusion for action.  Each of these ways of thinking have an “observer” that communicates back to the underlying self.

Ideally, both sides of the mind show the same thing, in which case the decision is easy.  Other times, both sides end up with a different conclusion, resulting in additional processing (for lack of a better term).

On a side note, when we meditate, there are actually two parts of the brain that we have to arrest, both the analytical and pictorial, which is why I think that when I meditate I need to focus my attention (analytical) on an imaginary object, if even nothing (pictorial), to free my mind.

Here in the states we have developed a rather materialistic society.  All one has to do is turn on the TV to watch objectified boys and girls that serve as the role model for the next generation, and as we walk down the street we are bombarded with beautiful people wearing stunning clothing, that often include some type of identifyable symbol to help others know that we are able to afford the ticket to the “in crowd”.

I’ll tell you a secret.  I like poverty.   No not true poverty, that is a curse, rather, that poverty of having the basics, and nothing more.  Of course, I have never lived there, but I have visited, and constantly found it a wonderful way of life.

I have seen it in my travels, and found it rather agreeable.  I have to be careful here, since I don’t want to romanticize a hard way of life, but in their life, I have seen true joy.  The kind of joy that I haven’t seen anywhere else that has been influenced by the curse of materialism.

You see, when materialism comes to a society as a way of life, it sucks the life out of the society, since it goes from being a group who are in it together, to a group where each member is out for themselves.  For in a materialistic society, it is the success of the individual that matters, even at the expense of others.

I believe that this is why those places like Jamaica and the Bahamas, and perhaps even in America there is very little pleasure in the lives of the poor.  This is due to the fact that they are introduced to a material society, but don’t have the means to live within their own society, resulting in extreme disappointment in life.  Also unfortunate is that when materialism comes to poor societies, the real money often flows to a few of the rich people in the land, or perhaps even to other countries, but the money often doesn’t trickle down.

Of course, I hope I never find myself in a position of poverty, but if I do, the first thing I will do is find a non-materialistic  group of friends.  In truth, I have tried to do that recently in America, but have met with little success to date.

Well here is my predicament after yesterday’s post.

What is the difference between a locale or the world.  Meaning, that while I bemoaned the unrealness of the Bahamas, isn’t our world just as unfair and therefore just as unreal.

The only difference is that in America, I don’t bump into desperate people very often.

But they are there.  I just don’t frequent those areas.

In fact, it could be argued, that I don’t frequent those areas because they are there.  (Note that this last statement is meant as a societal perspective, not personal. I hope you understand.)

So what am I doing about it.  Not much, if I am honest.  I’m lazy, caught up in my own life, and don’t really care much more beyond paying lip service, or making myself feel self righteous about things, apparently.

Or perhaps, I don’t quite know what to do.  Or I have tried small things, but nothing seems to work.  Or no one else really seems to care so I feel that the task is to great.  Or I get a sense that my efforts are doomed to failure.

Or perhaps all of the above.

My gut is that I don’t quite know what to do stops my action.  This is because, often the answer is found in the question as “they” say, and I just can’t figure out what the question is.

On a deeper level, this is a good model for my life overall.

While it looks like I am trying to find answers, really I am trying to understand the nature of the question.  So by answering the questions, I am better able to reverse engineer The Question, since other questions and answers have been acknowledged and carefully tucked away.

Of course, perhaps this work in andWhat  of itself is my gift that I can offer the world, and will lead to profound change.  Probably not, but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

I just want to write about my experiences today, since something is bothering me, and I hope something logical forms along the way.

I have found myself in the Bahamas for the weekend.  And its just wrong.

Now as you know, I am typically a pretty positive person, so I’m trying to figure it all out.   This post is certainly not to be in any way construed as a complaint.  The fact that I had the opportunity to make my way out here for the weekend, speaks of the great blessing of my life.

From the day I booked the trip, I was not looking forward to it.  I didn’t know why.  I just wasn’t.  Of course, who complains about a trip to the Bahamas so I kept my thoughts to myself, where the belonged.

By the time it was time for my trip, though, I was excited about getting away, and having an adventure, in a strange place – which is what adventures really are all about.  The day started well.  An interesting conversation with a UAV pilot just home from Afghanistan  brought the war effort home in a way it never had.  Some time to journal about recent events in my life, and question assumptions.  A brief discussion with the TSA agent was an interesting exercise in translating mumblings to coherent ideas.  And jovially, I went to my flight.  A stiff drink and small nap later I awoke on the approach to the runway.

Landing I had a nice exchange with the customs agent, who pointed out that I seemed anxious being grilled by her, to which I responded, I was just excited for a nice weekend.  (Um, who tries to smuggle anything from the US to the Bahamas???) I was greeted by Jermaine, a taxi driver I found on trip advisor, and is giving me a historical tour on Sunday, and will take me to an old British fort from the 1700-1800s.

He dropped me off at the hotel, and I went exploring, finding a food cart (a 1980s dented minivan with food served from the back) with some of the best boiled veggies I have ever eaten in my life.  Seriously.

However, on my way to the food cart, I passed the stalls with women selling chatchkes, or whatever word you use where you come from, and the facade lifted, and I realized why I had no desire to be here.

I’m in a place of unfairness.

Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that someone who works is entitled to enjoy what they have.  Good for them.  They earned it.

However, when I saw the desperation in these purveyors of crappy suviniers, selling to rich vacationers without a care in the world, the juxtaposition of the two, just seemed so unfair.  So unreal.  My vacation began cracking at the seams.

So I went back to my room, put on my bathing suit, slathered up, and found my way outside to the beach.  I go into the ocean, and there is canned music being thoughtlessly pumped from the bar, dredging upstream from me, and the view from the ocean is buildings, and chairs for as far as the eye can see – neatly arranged.  Once again, the juxtaposition of uncontrollable nature was disturbed by man’s attempt of control of their environment and it tore at my heart.

Putting these two things together, I then realized why I had dreaded this trip, once I planned it.  It reminded me of my trip many years ago to Jamaica.  I had the same response there.

Let’s get to the point a little.

You can’t fake real.

Real is sitting with locals on a beach sharing a beer or a smoke.  Real is visiting someones house and meeting their family.  Real is joining locals for dinner at a place where they would normally eat.  Real is playing ball with kids in the street.  Real is taking the bus, instead of a cab.  Or walking.

Real is being in the place, instead of passing through it.

Lesson learned.

 

In conversation with my friend mentioned in yesterday’s post, she said that I was using my ego to protect my vulnerable self.  Having thought about this last night, I do realize that she was spot on, and wanted to give some thought to the matter – and share what I found.

At first I thought that my ego formed a protective self to keep me from being vulnerable.  Meaning that I removed myself emotionally so as not be be hurt by rejection.

However, thinking about it, I found that I was willing to put myself on the line emotionally, as I have done in a more recent relationship.  I am able to throw care to the wind, and hope for the best, making myself totally emotionally vulnerable.

Well, not totally.  Probably about 60-80% depending on the situation.

In realizing this fact, I realized that there is a certain egotistical approach that I take as I meet new people.  I’ve done it for a long, long time, and didn’t even realize that I did it!  More importantly, is the fact that it has bothered me for a long, long time, and I didn’t understand why.

Doing a little research, I bumped into a defense mechanism called Intellectualization.

“Intellectualization: concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions.”

Thinking about things a little, I realized that in truth, my friend was spot on.

Basically intellectualization a defense mechanism is a method by which we protect our Self (perhaps aka Ego) from pain, hence the name.   In my case, I was trying to protect myself from rejection by others, since it fed into one of my untruths that caused me pain.

The realization that I am so excited to have discovered is that in fact, my ego has been preventing me from connecting emotionally 100% to others.

Of course, at this point, I have outgrown the need to feel that rejection is personal, which really should allow me to make myself 100% emotionally vulnerable as I meet new people.

That is if I am able to remember this important lesson, that rejection is never personal.