Category: Josh Feingold Blog

I recently started a Meetup group for singles my age in Atlanta, and as part of publicizing the group approached various other leaders that work with the target population asking them for their assistance getting the word out.

The response I received from one group in particular was negative, since they viewed me as competition to their own established programs.  Which is sad.

You see, there seem to be two ways to view the world.  As one of scarcity or as one of plenty.

Most people view the world with an eye towards scarcity since from one perspective, it certainly seems that way.  Plus for much of human existence, as hunter-gatherers, which makes up the majority of human history, it may well have been true.

This perspective creates people who are scared to to live and are constantly positioning to protect their fiefdom.  They live in a world where they are in a constant struggle to make their way and protect what they have.  They protect it with power, lies, and manipulation, among other negative traits.

However, the world has grown, and now in our global industrial society, we are truly in a world of plenty.  Unfortunately, as a society we haven’t yet broken off our mental chains that bind, and habits of old.

A better, and more true, approach is to view the world as one of plenty.  One where resources are always available if we know where to look for them and help each other.  A world where it is safe to be open emotionally, financially, physically.  A world that has room for each of us as an individual, and whose call signs are truth, giving, and love.

This is the world that we live in.  I just wonder how long it will take for us all to realize this new reality.

Lately, many women that I know from different walks of life and even different generations have shared with me that they are reading the book, 50 Shade of Gray.  While I haven’t read the book, which is selling faster than Harry Potter, due to my extreme lack of interest in the subject matter (sorry ladies!), I thought I would blog based on my reaction to what others have told me about the book.

To be honest, the fact that this book has become so popular is not that surprising. Graphic sexual novels have been around for quite a while, and provide an outlet for people to explore what they perceive as their “darker side” in a safe way.

While I am personally not that interested in controlling women or being controlled, since it is my belief that people can never be controlled, and anything more is just an illusion, the popularity of this book does seem to imply that a significant group of women like to imagine being sexually adventurous.  After all, what you watch is what you crave.

One other thing I don’t quite understand, is why women don’t ask their husbands or lovers to role play, if this apparently is so important to them, but I have to guess that their relationships don’t allow for such open exploration.  How sad.  Further, I am sure that some adults don’t allow for safe sexual play in whatever method they deem fun due to stoic belief systems.  Also sad.

However, what is more interesting to me is the social acceptance that seems to have surrounded this book.  People are openly talking about it with friends and strangers.

This is a good thing.

Historically, in the western world, due to the religiosity of society, that “the darker side” has existed, but has been labelled as unhealthy, and immoral, and thus, while continued to be practiced, resulted in the unwanted issue of guilt, which has very negative ramifications on the individual striving for happy living.

Let me clarify. I am not taking a stance on whether pornography is good or bad, as that is not the purpose of this post.  Rather, the point is that if you are into something, and not willing to admit to it, there is a incongruency in the truthfulness of your life, that will lead to unhappiness, and will end up exploding under negative pressure somewhere else in life.

However, with the general acceptance of this book by society, I think it demonstrates a new moral fortitude to live honestly,  for which I have deep respect.

 

 

I bumped into a friend this morning that I hadn’t seen for a while, and in conversation, realized that I was explaining certain aspects of my life to him.

Then later in the morning, in an email, I realized that I was justifying myself to someone when they misread what I meant in a previous email.

What both of these experiences had in common, is that somewhere within me there was a voice that insisted that I made sure people understand that I was in the right – and others in the wrong.

This justification is a sign of insecurity.  Since had I been secure in myself, there would be no need for justification at all!  I would have just smiled and waved, no really caring what the others thought.

Of course, some of you will argue, but if you don’t stand up for yourself, those people will think their assumptions are correct about you, even if they are not.  Don’t you need to set the record straight?

Perhaps.  But probably not all the time.

From a self building perspective, it is probably more important that we allow people to remain with their mistaken beliefs from time to time, in order that we can be more secure in our place in the world, and further realize that what others think about us really doesn’t matter  (as long as we are respectful to everyone).

One other take away, is that if you feel a need to set the record straight, or be right, you have some unfinished business with personal security that you might want to look into.

I know I do, so for the next week, I think I will refrain from correcting people.

One of my friends on Facebook, shared an interesting link on Slate.com, which demonstrated that pretty much in every category, Olympic winners of today are faster than the Olympiads of 100 years ago.

Considering that I doubt we have changed our physical features very little, and evolution has probably not really not been focusing on physical mutations as much as brain mutations due to our changing societal needs, why would this be?

On the one hand, it could be that people are training harder.  Perhaps, as the Olympics have become more popular it brings Olympiads out of the woodwork.  Finally, it could be that there are nations that participate now, that didn’t participate in the past.

However, I would make the case that these physical advances are really all mental, and demonstrate a few important lessons.

1) With a goal in mind, we accomplish more.  In this case, the goal was the previous existing world record.  Goals give us something to actively strive for, and focus on, as well as try not to fail at.  All of which help us go farther.

2) Humans are intrinsically lazy.  We have discussed this with regards to thinking, but this also extends to getting what we want.  We don’t put forth more effort than is needed to accomplish our goals, which in this case is to beat the old record and be number one. There is much less motivation to smash it.

3) We use others as a gauge of what can be accomplished.  This results in the fact, that we don’t even set our goals based on what we are capable of, rather, what others have done.

To me this third lesson is of most interest, since, what it implies is that we are all much more capable at exceeding our goals, but we limit ourselves by looking at the accomplishments of others.

So let’s set our goals appropriate to the greatness within, and not the greatness of others without!

They say “a watched pot never boils,” but it begs the question, why do we stare at the pot in the first place?

Similarly, how often have you stood at a bus stop, or waiting for the subway, craning your neck to see what is coming down the pike?

Then today, I had an experience where someone stopped by the office to tell me I had parked in such a way that she couldn’t get out, and she knew I was coming down to move my car.  When I got there, she was standing there staring at my car.  Did she think that by looking at it, she could now get out?

Thinking about things, I came to the conclusion that these are all just ways by which we are creating constant engagement with our world.

As a human being passing through time, we require constant worldly interaction.  Unless we are unconscious, there is no such thing as just passing time, rather we think, or day dream, or see if the train is coming (again).  This is because time is our reminder that we are temporal beings, and we want to take advantage of all the time that we have, which means that we refuse to just be,* rather we engage our world.

Even if it means just watching water boil.

* When the Zen masters refer to being, it is really a matter of focusing on the moment, and engaging that moment thoughtfully.  But you are certainly engaged in the moment, that is the ultimate goal.  Of course, I am not a student of Buddhism, so if I am wrong about that, I hope you will teach me!