Category: Josh Feingold Blog

Today, I came across another hidden world view, that was underlying how I viewed the world, and it is my impression that this common false assumption underlies how many people mistakenly view the world as well.

As we make our way though the world, we don’t get what we want. A lot. After years of not getting what we want, we start to take on a genreral attitude that life is hard, and we shouldn’t expect to get what we want, as a way to prevent us from constant disappointment.

This attitude further sets a general perspective that we can expect to be disappointed in life, which creates a further attitude of not expecting much enjoyment from life.  This attitude is a real energy sucker, and drains us of pro-activeness, levity, and general happiness, as we allow this new reality to weight down on us.

However, while the truth is that due to not being in control of things, we must expect some disappointment, we need to be careful that when we extend this belief to the point that we create the attitude of not expecting (and demanding!) to enjoy our one and only life.

Rather, we need to maintain the attitude that “life SHOULD be fun.”  And when it is not, make changes to make it so.  Usually with some minor, and sometimes major, tweaks, we can get proactively take things to a place where life is fun again.

So we must face down the relentless world of disappointment with a proactive attitude that life is fun.

In case the above post was clear as mud, let me restate the basic attitude.  It is a subtle distinction, and the attitude changed based on if you are looking forward or looking back.

Looking forward, we should always demand that life be fun.  However, looking back when unexpected bad things happen, the attitude needs to be we aren’t in control, and its too bad things didn’t work out the way we wanted them to.

So there I was with a man who had just shown me his Sheep Dogs, and demonstrated how he can call them from afar with simple commands to go and bring in the sheep.  It was time to pay, and I was sitting in his living room.  I looked on the counter, and there was a picture with my guide, with an attractive lady, and a little boy.

Assuming it was his family pictured, I thought to myself, “His wife is pretty.”  Not amazing, mind you, just attractive.

As I stood waiting for him to return with my change, he came back in, and said, “What do you think of the picture of me, my son, and Jennifer Aniston,” and pointed to the picture I had noticed.  As he explained that he had been the trainer when she was in town filming Marley and Me, it really hit me how things taken out of context create an entirely different reality.

What was interesting was that not only did I not recognize Jennifer until he pointed it out to me, once he mentioned it, it was impossible to mistake.  After all, why would some random person in the middle of nowhere – really the middle of nowhere – have a picture with someone I would know, or even a movie star?  So my mind took that out of the options as I saw the picture, until it had more information, and then things were clear.

I took away a lesson from this event, that we really see life with a constant filter on.  Our brain, puts on the appropriate filter, and makes assumptions about what we see, without us even realizing that this is going on in the background.

The impact of this, is that we are often not even in touch with our own reality – and often we can miss events that may impact us due to lack of this cognition.

I spent the past weekend at the beach on the Gulf Coast, and on the second day, decided to try out the public beach near where I was staying.

When I arrived at the parking area, much to my dismay, it was totally full, and no spaces remained.  Over in the corner, I saw a space that looked like I might be able to fit, but it wasn’t a real place to park, so was hesitant, not wanting to get ticketed – or towed!

I sat and stared at the space for a few moments, though, knowing that this seemed to be my only option, if I wanted to go to that beach.  In the end, fear (or responsible action, in this case) got the best of me, and I decided to move on.

No sooner than I started driving, did I see that to the left of me, there was a free space!  I just had not noticed it due to the angle of my car!

So I quickly took the last space, and commented to my friend who was with me, “Well, at least I have something to blog about next week.”

You see, so often salvation is just around the corner.  From where we often find ourselves standing, there seems to be no hope.  Life is bleak.  We are stuck in a rut, with blinders on and total darkness surrounding us.

However, unless we are facing death (and perhaps even then, according to many religions) this is just because, we don’t know the whole story, since it hasn’t unfolded yet.  And sometimes, if we would just open our eyes a little, or turn our head, we could already see the salvation in front of us.

Think back on some of your bleakest moments in life.  They don’t seem so bad in retrospect, do they?  This is because, you now know where your salvation came from, but at the time, life seemed to be out of control.  And control – even if it is a false sense – is what allows us to feel secure in life.

That is why suicide is such a sad option.  For no matter how bleak life looks, a happier time is available, and might be just around the corner, if we can just find a way to get past our current predicament.  Of course, for those who are left behind after a suicide, we know that there was hope, and numerous options, which makes us sad, but for the person who chose death, they are too trapped in their own self-constricted world to see the bigger picture and see the opportunity for hope.

Since thankfully most of us are not struggling with suicide, rather perhaps those bad times that inevitably visit over the course of life, you may find it helpful to recall the last time life your own life was bleak, or hopeless, and how it worked out fine, as your model for helping you get through your next rough patch.   After all, now you have the whole picture.

For me, I’ll just think about my trip to the beach!

The world is all connected.  After all, what are we but a reconstituted version of all the plants and animals that we have eaten in our life.  And when we die, plants often our decomposed body to  nourish their growth, before animals come to eat them, and before we eat the animals.

So there is nothing in this world that we know, that is not connected to any other thing in the world in a physical way.

And in our essence we know this fact, that we are all connected.  However we feel that we are alone in the world, since once we have cognizance, we become aware that we have no physical connection to anything else.  So in the absence of this physical connection, we create our own emotional connections to those that surround us; friends and families.  These projections, allow us to create a sense of connectedness with another, and further allow us to get back to our natural state of being.

And this is why when we lose someone we love it hurts so much. The natural connection that we had is torn asunder. Because with the loss, the projection of connection can no longer be maintained, we again feel that we are adrift in the world, on our own. (Tangentially, this is also why touch is the natural outcome of emotional intimacy, and we are only comfortable with touch after we have created an emotional connection.)

However, the most important thing to remember is that just because we don’t FEEL connected, doesn’t mean that we are not connected, for in truth, we are all connected, as I explained earlier.  By remembering this fact, we no longer need to rely on the emotional connection to create a feeling of connectedness, and not feel alone. And by simply recalling this fact we can feel connected to those around us, and the world at large.

Interestingly, I have found that when I bring this truth, that we are all connected, to cognition, the world reflects back at me with instant emotional connections.  So perhaps this is a two way street.

* Afternote: Over the past month, I have had the opportunity to read another fabulous book by John O’Donohue, called Eternal Echoes.  In it he shares his version of our desire to belong and those things that influence it. I can only tell you that I have never read any author that is closer in line with my own beliefs. So if my blog speaks to you, check him out. His understanding and grasp of the subtle nature of the world, is truly amazing.

By nature of the fact that I am in the middle of his books, any of my current thoughts on the topic of belonging are going to reflect some of his ideas.  So for that I thank him posthumously, and highly recommend that you read his books Anam Cara and Eternal Echoes (in that order).

 

There has been a lot of visceral anger that has come out against Chick-Fil-A recently, since it’s President has expressed his opinion of being anti-gay marriage. (As if you didn’t know that already.)

What I find interesting (and ironic) is that people who dislike the church – which usually seems to be predicated as the church is intolerant of others views – find themselves so intolerant of people who stand by the beliefs of the church, demonstrated by the boycotting of said company’s stores.

Which brings me to my point.

The correct response, is to speak out against the stores, but to continue to go to them – assuming you like what they have to serve.

In my mind, the difference between differing opinions (which I support) and intolerance (which I reject) is demonstrated by action.

I fully respect your right as an individual to think whatever thoughts you may have, no matter how silly I think they may be.  Of course, I don’t need to spend time with someone I think is silly – however, hopefully I am big enough to listen carefully, and without bias, to the other party before writing them off entirely.

However, I will not allow these thoughts to stop me from respecting your rights as an individual to think these thoughts, since in doing that I am actually rejecting your right to exist.  And this means, that I can’t take a negative action against you in response to your thoughts.  Which brings me back to my point:

Intolerance is demonstrated by action, not thought.