Category: Josh Feingold Blog

I have talked about how when we deal with other people, we are really just dealing with their reality.  The flip side of idea is that when we are dealing with ourselves, we are dealing with our reality.

Practically what this means is that we are constantly making assumptions based on our experience and creating a reality in our own minds, which may or may not reflect the true reality of the situation.

Where this comes to play in our daily lives is in mind-reading.  This is the practice of assuming we know what someone is thinking or feeling.  Of course, we do it all the time, just not realizing we are doing it.

The danger is that often, the other party isn’t thinking or feeling what we think they are thinking or feeling, resulting in miscommunication – which is bad in human relationships.  We might be fighting battles that don’t need to exist, or assuming that things are great, when they really aren’t.

So what should the astute person do?  How can they know what the other person is thinking or feeling?

Well, honestly, we can’t.

However, there are some tools at our disposal that can put us as close as possible.

The first tool involves listening.  Just listening to what is said, and not reading our own thoughts into things.

From there, we need to ensure that we are creating relationships with people we see through outside verification that are honest.  That way, we minimize the chance that they are manipulating what they say for their own gain.

Finally, we need to look at their actions, and see if they are in line with what they proport their feelings to be.

If the other party passes all three tests – for lack of a better word – we can more-or-less safely assume that what has been said is what is meant, and not need to assume our own thoughts on the other party.

A recent article that I read, said that “depression is distinguished from normal sadness by proneness to exaggerated feelings of guilt or self-blame.”  Recently, I also read a book that claimed that depression is caused by anger which is pointed inwards towards oneself.

Looking to my own times of feeling depressed, I think by putting these two ideas together, really help explain why we get depressed, and in doing so, help us get out of our depressive episodes.

Specifically, when we feel guilty or create feelings of self-blame, we naturally become angry at our self – thus depression.

For me, I have noticed that I get depressed at night when I have nothing to do, and feel that I am wasting time, which creates self-blame since I have unrealistic expectations about accomplishments.  It was only recently, that I realized that I had a hard time relaxing due this same guilt from wasting time.

However, I was able to reverse my last episode a few nights back by simply stopping the self-blame, and stopping the anger towards myself.

So, assuming the depression is not a chemical imbalance, hopefully this method can help you nip depression in the bud!

 

 

We have discussed many times how there is very little unique about the impact of life from one human to the next.  Because of this fact, one of the most useful resources that we have at our disposal are books written by those who have walked the same path before us.

But which book should we buy?  That’s where Amazon comes in so very helpful.

Way back when I was young, if you wanted a book, you went to the library or bookstore, and bought a book, not really knowing how useful it was until you got into things.  However, in our newfangled electronic world, not only can you pretty much find every single book on a given topic in one place, but by reading the comments, you can pretty much figure out what the top one or two books on any given subject are.

Add to this fact, that the best books are often big sellers, and the used book prices end up being very low, so you can buy the best two or three books, and for under $20 educate yourself on pretty much anything in life.

In my opinion, this is one of the most powerful tools available to anyone who wants to avoid as many mistakes as possible as they make their way through life.

 

As I begin to think about dating again, I return to the subject of beauty and the impact of attraction on who I am interested in pursuing a relationship with.

Here is what I have discovered so far between my reading and gut.  I’ll denote which is which with the letters r and g below.

The good thing for those in the dating scene, is that as you can see the main attraction indicators are totally subjective.  If you think about it, of the general population, 95% are of average looks (at least from a general face perspective), with the remaining 5% falling into homely or a model of beauty (g).  This means that really beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  But how do we define what we find beautiful?

Our attraction model goes back to our childhood based on a very real Oedipus complex, and encourages us in a certain familiar direction  based on what our parents look like (r).

Further, we are attracted to things that are familiar to us, such as other family and friends, as well as people we have met before, under the principle that we like things that we know already (r).

Finally, I believe that we are attracted to people who look similar to ourselves, in a very real version of finding our own reflection in another, which (along with the reality that we mimicking the actions of our partners encouraging certain muscles to grow similarly), is why couples often look like each others after many years.

The common denominator of the above list is that we like things that we know already.

However, what really takes someone from average looks to beautiful seems to be this allusive things we call chemistry.  It is my belief that chemistry is nothing other than, the feeling that we get when we project on another person that they are similar to us in so many ways and that just like we like them, they like us.  This feeling relies on mind reading about what the other person is thinking, but when it is mutual, we’ll it is mutual and there is mutual chemistry (g).

Attraction, therefore, it pretty much totally created based on a model that we create for ourselves, on what is attractive, and facilitated by chemistry that we also create. So, what is important to remember is that attraction, like everything is very much in our head, and is thus pliable – both for bad and for good.

I probably have talked about this before, but I don’t know if it was ever succinctly stated, so I’ll try again.

The reason that people get married (or have long-term relationships), is because we have needs.  What these needs are are unique to the individual.  So for a couple to commit, both parties have to find someone who they feel meets their unspoken, and often unrealized needs.

Herein, lies the problem.  The needs are really an lacking of each party, which then ends up creating conflict in the relationship.  Further, because, the need itself is unrecognized or under-appreciated, other conflicts are born through the principle of cause and effect which we discussed the other day.

However, at the core of each relationship, it is my belief that there is one core issue (or perhaps two) that is central to the individual and creates the strife in the relationship.

So if a couple wants to really work on their relationship, the best way to approach things is that each individual step back and figure out what needs drive them and how that is impacts their behaviour in the overall relationship.  If both members of the relationship are mature, and willing to work though their own things, and take ownership of their own issues (all big assumptions), it is my belief, that issues will naturally resolve themselves as people stop pointing fingers to the other party, and instead focus inward.

Of course, this approach remains untested by me, but it is my current working assumption.  If I am honest, it isn’t a 100% solution, but I think it handles about 90% of the issue at hand.