Category: Josh Feingold Blog

What is clear to me, is that we are alone in this world.  We are born alone and we die alone.  But we don’t have to be alone.

Marriage provides an opportunity to have a brief respite from our aloneness, however, we must recognize that the will be in the control of the other party and not us to some extent.  Our lover can choose to leave us, or can be hit by a car and leave us against our will at any time, and then we will be alone again.

Of course, when we are married, we like to pretend that we are not alone by projecting ourselves unto our loved one, but in fact, we really are.  We can wrap secure social constructs around things to protect our marriage unity, and they will certainly help prevent divorce, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are alone.  And in fact, we all know that just because someone has a spouse that lives with them, doesn’t mean they don’t feel alone.

So what makes someone not alone in a relationship?  The choice of their partner to choose them and stick around.  Ironically, the less pressure there is on the relationship for someone to stick around, the more connected the two parties really are, since if they are staying together, it is by choice, rather than social/family pressure, economic pressure, laziness, or fear.

What we learn is one of the cruel ironies of life.  That the only way to not be alone is for someone else to choose us, which is not in our control.

What are some lessons we can learn?  First of all, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.  Don’t just have one or two close relationships.  Have friends, hold some more close than others, but most of all keep your relationships broad and strong with friends and family.

However, or more importance is that while being alone is a fact, the FEELING of aloneness is made by your mind.  For example, someone can feel that they are not alone, since they are married, but if their spouse leaves, what does it show?  That they really were alone, they just didn’t know it yet.  So the feeling of aloneness is man made – and therefore in YOUR control.

So how do you change the feeling, by telling yourself that being alone is okay.  Yup folks, you can be alone, and be just fine.  Didn’t anyone ever tell you that?  What are you saying, that you can’t make it one your own?  Who told you that?  You’ve made it through life so far, haven’t you?

One you tell yourself that being alone is okay, then you won’t feel so alone anymore, since the pressure will be off.  Plus, in telling yourself this message you will find you have yourself, which is all you ever had anyway.

 

 

As you know, us humans have trouble taking responsibility for our actions, so we like to blame other parties.

However, sometimes it is important to realize that it is no ones fault, rather just two people with different views, which are materialized though action, on the world.   It reminds me of an old Jewish saying that “just like no two people look alike, so too their perspective are different from one another”. (Of course, this saying, like many probably can be found in other cultures under different mantras.)

A no fault life is hard to achieve, but it is an imperitive for happy living.  For if someone has to be at fault, then we have to be right.  And being right takes work.  Rather, if we can just be, not much work is needed at all.  I have an opinion, you have an opinion, and we can agree to disagree.  And not hold the other person in disdain.

Also, it is imperitive to non-close mindedness.   For if someone is at fault for having a different viewpoint, how can I ever really hear what they are saying?  And if I can’t hear what others say, how can I challenge my own beliefs and perspectives?

So learn the lesson that sometimes if you need to find fault, it is really best pin it on noone.

 

I was going to title this post, “Make others feel like a million dollars.”, but then I realized that in truth, it’s not really about others, its about you.

I’ve haven’t been giving people enough credit lately – it’s not that I mean to, rather I’m not thinking.  For example, the hostess recommended one dish at lunch today, and then someone else recommended the same thing.  When I left, she asked what I ordered, and I said I bought the dish she recommended, since it was recommended by her and someone else.  Why couldn’t I have just said, “I bought it because you recommended it?” in my gregarious way?

The basic reason, is that as much as I want to appreciate what people give me, something inside me is rejecting making them “better” than me.  So while I start to give them words of appreciation, I sabotage those words, with something that recognizes what they did, but at the same time, let’s me not be too connected and indebted to them.

However, I’m really missing a great opportunity to make myself feel great.  If only, I gave them full credit, imagine how things would play out.

Keep in mind that one of the main things that people want is to have their existence recognized.  And how many times does that actually happen?  When was the last time your boss, recognized the job you do?  Your parents?  Your friends?  Yeah.

If I had gregariously given the hostess full credit, and made her feel like she made a difference in my life, and recognized the value she has added to my life, I would have made her feel great.  And making her feel great would have made me feel great, too.

However, by diminishing her value,  even thought my words were positive, I made her feel good, but marred it for myself with a negative internal tinge.

Well, my commitment to myself is to fully appreciate the value that others bring to my life, and in doing so, make them feel that they have impacted my world positively, make them feel good, and make myself feel like a million dollars.

 

 

I realized that there are a lot of things that we seem to suppress.

Typically, it seems that Anger, Sexuality, masculinity in Women, and sensitiveness in Men, are all very suppressed items in modern day America.

Here’s the problem with suppression.  When you push it down in one place, it just explodes somewhere else.  This is both on an individual level as well as a societal.

I could document all kinds of areas where this is true, but I’ll assume that you intuitively agree.

Where this really comes to play is with guiding ourselves – as well as our kids.

What is important to relate to children is that all feelings are normal.  If you are feeling them, and you are a healthy human being, which most of us are, by definition they are normal.  There is no such thing as a wrong feeling, or emotion.

Now of course, just because we feel something, doesn’t mean it is always appropriate to act on it.  Rather, like all emotions, there is a time and a place for everything.  So we explain, when the socially suppressed traits are appropriate, and when they are not.  However, we allow for balance, and an area where feelings can be expressed, so the feelings don’t need to be suppressed and need to be acted out on later in life.

I think this is one of the hardest lessons to really get as a parent, but if we get it right, what a gift we are giving our children.  If you feel it, it’s healthy and normal!

You know who loses when you bear a grudge?  You.

After all, you are the one who has to carry it around.

The other person, they are just fine.  Living life, and not really caring that they made you angry – since if they cared, they would have figured out a way to appease you.

So the loser, when you are bearing a grudge is really you, who has to walk around with all that negativity in your heart towards someone else.

You see, I think it takes work to keep a grudge.  You have to keep reminding yourself the bad thing that the person did to you, then get all emotional, and keep thinking about how much you hate the other person.

It’s much simpler to let go.  Release the grudge, and just accept the other person as an imperfect person, just like you (although perhaps in different imperfect ways!), struggling through life, making their way, and just trying to succeed in a turbulent world.

In fact, if you think about it, even the saying “Don’t bear a grudge” uses the work “bear” which means to carry.   So don’t bear a grudge, put it down, and move on.

P.S. I am not talking about if someone is still hurting you thought their ongoing actions.  Then you aren’t bearing a grudge, rather, angry at them as they are now.  That’s healthy.  Although, how you express it might not be, but that’s a post for another day.  Perhaps tomorrow!