Category: Josh Feingold Blog

Having read a bunch of books on love, I thought I would share my understanding of how love seems to work in a generally psychologically healthy relationship.

First we find someone pretty similar to ourselves in looks, background, life histories, etc.  Then we let down our boundaries, start projecting our selves onto them, and see them as an extension of ourselves.  However, when we do that, we cover up the parts of our lover that we don’t really like too much or that we needed in the other person – so that we can idealize them – because they are perfect, right.  And which parts do we cover up or put on the other person?  Those parts that we have had trouble dealing with within ourselves or those areas that we felt that we didn’t have internally.

Then as the lust of the relationship fades away, you slowly see your partner for who they are… and all hell breaks lose.  It is in this process that you have the biggest opportunity for personal growth in your relationship, if you grab hold of it.  However, most people don’t realize this, and just get frustrated at what annoys them about their partner and end up bitter. (Think of all the jokes about marriage out there!)

But, if you are more mature, and realize that these areas really point inwardly to things that YOU are trying to cover up, OR YOU WOULDN’T NOTICE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE, you can start looking internally, instead of pointing the finger at your partner.  And as you see your partner for who they are, you are forced to accept them for who they are as well, and in doing so, you are forced to accept yourself as well – or make some internal changes to yourself to get in line!

This acceptance of the other, creates “true love” since you are giving to the other person by accepting them as the imperfect person that they are – and still love them in their imperfection.  This is the love that lasts and is the goal of a satisfying relationship.

Ah, to be a child.

I was watching my six year old “teach her class” the other day, and had a chance to ask myself what happened to my imagination.

So when she invited me to a tea party, how could I say no?

Of course, I had been to tea parties before, but honestly, I sat there waiting for the final check.  But not this time.  Nope this time, I was an British man from high society, in London for just a short while, who happened to stop by an old friend for tea.

It was a totally different experience.

But I realized, that I never used my imagination anymore, while, I vividly remember being a secret spy as a child, with my briefcase holding a disassembled gun, ready to fight for, well, whatever it was I was fighting for back then.

So I wondered, what happened to my imagination in the past thirty years?

For one, I think we are told somewhere along the way, that imaginary play is for kids, and who wants to be a kid?  So we give up our imaginary friends, our imaginary worlds, and focus solely on reality.

Reading some books on Jung, I came across a practice called Active Imagination, which I would like to share with you, since I have found it to be like the version of how I figure things out, but allows for another vehicle to get to the same place, but I think in a much more efficient way.

Basically, it involved engaging your unconscious, by means of using your imagination, and conversing with yourself.

In brief, you approach your unconscious, using your inner eye (which just means inner focus – it is the focus you get when you are “behind” your conscious mind – see yesterdays post), and you call out for someone to meet you.  And someone will.  Then you (your conscious mind) can dialog with your unconscious mind, ask it questions, and get answers.

However, the upshot of all of this is that imagination is the key to your unconscious, and leveraging it allows you to uncover those things you hold true, but that are locked away from your thought due to the fact that they are unconscious.   So exercise your imagination and see where it takes you.

P.S. The book I read which really explained Active Imagination well is “Inner Work” by Robert Johnson.

Myth and religion all mention the idea of an inner eye, and only recently did I finally understand what it really means in a literal sense.

You inner eye is that “eye” which allows you to view both your conscious and unconscious minds.  In fact, I think this eye actually sits behind the conscious mind and in front of the unconscious mind.

So how do you find your inner eye, you ask? The first steps is to be able to discern between your conscious and unconscious minds.  Your conscious mind, is that part of you which is thinking, and as such provides you with consciousness.   Your unconscious mind, is all thought that is not available at a conscious level.

The next step, is a brief exercise, so you can experience the inner eye for yourself.  I want you to think about how you would travel from your home to work.  Now, ask yourself, what part of “you” is viewing the thinking process.  That is your inner eye.

Now if you think of it, this inner eye is “behind” your consciousness, since you are actually viewing your conscious being.  If you focus your eye the other way (which really is anything except on your consciousness), you are actually viewing your unconscious mind.

In tomorrow’s post we will discuss a great exercise to allow you to use your inner eye and leverage it to help communicate between the unconscious and conscious mind, and allow them to align in one direction – and get rid of inner conflict.

So I have been looking for a methodology for learning meditation, and I happened upon a certain type of meditation that was offered in my local community.

Last night they offered a free introductory course, so I decided to join.

Little did I know that I would be sitting through a 90 minute infomercial about their method.  However, that’s not what really bothers me.  What I am shocked by is that I didn’t realize it was one long sales pitch until this morning.

Now all in all, their program probably is exactly what I am looking for.  An introduction to meditation in four easy classes, and it seems that their methodology is hand-in-glove with what I found on my own.

However, I thought I would point out some of the sales techniques that they used, that since I wasn’t alert, totally missed at the time:

1) Selling meditation benefits using difficult to understand scientific concepts.  If someone has to result to convoluted arguments, they are afraid that if they tell things simply you will see through it, so they just make it complicated and hope that they cow you and you don’t ask questions.

2) Selling meditation benefits using “expert” or “celebrity” opinions.  You can always find an expert or celebrity to say anything, so this really should have no weight one way or the the other – but they know it does, so they use it.

3) Offering a “free” sample (introductory course, in my case).  No better way to get someone hooked, or at least try to get them engaged, eh?

4) Offering a one-on-one interview after the course.  “So Josh tell me your goals…”  Nothing like a little pressure.

5) When I was hesitant in the conversation, telling me to take my time, there was no hurry to decide, so as to make me feel like he was really looking out for me, all the while pushing me subtly to sign up.

6) Extolling the benefits as “what you are missing” and “what will make your life happy”.  Who wouldn’t want that?

I’m actually glad that I took the time to write this post.  Having thought about things, I want to try a free mediation class, if I can find one.  There was something too disconnected between the naturalness of the meditation that he offered, and the sales push, that makes me hesitant to try their method.  I’ll see what else I can find.

It has been about three months since I started this blog, and I have had the opportunity in this time to read around 30 books on various psychological and “self-help” titles, and written close to 700 pages of notes summarizing my thoughts.

Having some to a sort of break point in my studies, I thought I would share a few thoughts that have come out of these hours and hours of work – really pleasure – and what I have learned from a more macro scale.

One thing that I have noticed is that while many of the books are on totally opposite ends of the spectrum, they tend to end up referencing similar concepts, but give them different terms.  This makes sense when you consider that to some extent, human nature, is somewhat limited in its nature, and they are all discussing the same thing – just from different angles.

The other thing that I think it shows is that with about 20 books under you (I was also reading up on topics regarding marriage, hence the other 10), you can have a pretty decent overview on the various topics that you need to think about from a life perspective.  Of course, as I continue reading, I might change my mind, but for now, that makes sense.

I have also found that much of what I learned along the way, was something that I sensed intuitively in my past to be true, but in reading about it, it brought the ideas to the forefront, and allowed me to connect certain dots, build new interconnected ideas, and allow me to propel me to the next level of growth.  It is my belief, that most of us know intuitively what needs to be done, but we don’t act out of fear.

Finally, I found that without application, all the reading that I would do would get me nowhere, and that the most valuable part of the process was the work I did between books, using the books as fuel for questions, challenges to my assumptions, and ultimately, applying some of what I learned to my daily activities.

Speaking of which, one of the books on boundaries that I read, explained why some people always seem to complain that they are doing things but getting nowhere (I’m sure you know the type).  She said that these people have bad boundaries between their actions and their feelings, so that they think about doing something and they think they have done it when in fact, they didn’t do anything at all!  An interesting point, eh?